I’m aware of a book called Joy is My Compass – Taking the Risk to Follow Your Bliss by Alan Cohen. Despite declaring in January that joy will be my compass for 2017, I’ve not yet read the book but the phrase joy is my compass captivated me. It reminds me that we are intended to live joyfully – not in the fearful, grasping way we are socialised to. It can be hard to switch from believing that sacrifice & sheer hard work are required to live a good life to allowing ourselves joy and, even, prioritising our joy. But my intention is to raise my boys with a different world view – to value joy, to seek it and create it in every moment. I want joyful to be our normal. For such a life, joy is the perfect compass.
HOW ARE JOY & HAPPINESS DIFFERENT?
Happiness comes to us in moments. It is dependent on external circumstances – like getting a particular job, partner or fashion item. Therefore, just as easily as favourable circumstances can come and go, so, too, can happiness. Happiness is high GI, causing spikes in our emotions. Joy is something quieter yet deeper and more stable. There is a sense of meaning in joy that there isn’t in happiness. It is always available to us, we just have to choose it. And there are so many ways to let joy in.
“Happiness is like rising bubbles — delightful and inevitably fleeting. Joy is the oxygen — ever present” – Danielle La Porte
My son Jake, loves eating ice-cream and he also loves building Lego. I would argue that the ice-cream makes him happy but, once it’s eaten, the happiness it brought dissipates quickly. On the other hand, building Lego is a fun & engrossing activity for him and the satisfaction he gets from it is nourishing in a way that ice-cream just isn’t. I would call this joy. Danielle says that “joy is the fibre of your soul”. It is the fuel for our lives. Joy is low GI.
THE VALUE OF JOY
Joy Indicates Spiritual Alignment
Joy is our natural way of being. It indicates to us that we are in alignment. By this, I mean that our mind, body and spirit are working together for the greater purposes of our soul. I think the experience of flow is actually an experience of deep joy. I wrote the following about flow in my post How Our Children Raise Us –
At times, I have watched my boys play and have recognised their feeling of full absorption & joy from my own childhood. I used to get it when I was swimming in our pool, singing along to music and writing stories. Scientists call this state “flow” and I think of it as allowing God to flow through me. Do you remember the healing quality of that feeling? How content and internally energised it left you?
Now, I still experience flow when I write and have found a way to use my writing to encourage other parents. What brings our children joy in childhood may be the same things that bring them joy in adulthood. Those things may end up being connected with the contribution they make in the world.
Joy Attracts More Joy
Have you noticed how a day that begins with joy often continues that way? Perhaps it starts with a particularly heart-felt “good morning” hug from your child which you take a moment to appreciate fully, right down to your toes. Then, as you go about your day, people everywhere seem to be particularly friendly & helpful to you and, in the afternoon, you receive a piece of good news then your partner arrives home in the evening with your favourite wine/chocolate/desert for “no reason”. It just feels that life is going well for you and you feel joyful. This is the law of attraction at work. We attract the feeling we are putting out. So, by deliberately letting joy in where we find it (and it’s always there), we cultivate more joyful experiences. Choosing what we focus on is key to utilising the power of this law – so let’s focus on joy!
Joy Supports Emotional Resilience
When joyful is our normal, our capacity to weather difficult experiences is much greater. No matter how much joy we cultivate, life is intended to grow us and no one is exempt from its challenges. With a joyful way of being, though, we know we have that joyful place to return to once we are through the difficult experience. My son Jake is easily joyful, something I am so grateful for. As a result, he moves through difficult emotions quite quickly. It’s not that upsetting emotions should be avoided – they have something to tell us – but they don’t need to keep us down. We can even feel that life is ultimately joyful while at the same time going through a major experience that deeply saddens or angers us.
CULTIVATING JOY IN OUR CHILDREN
Notice the activities, places and people who bring our children joy and create opportunities for them to spend time with these people, places and activities. For example a place may be anywhere by water and a person may be a particular friend who is on the same wavelength. I don’t think having things brings joy but the actual using of things may bring joy – such as playing an instrument or, as in Thomas’ case, the process of lining up his toy cars.
Help our children to recognise for themselves the activities, places and people who bring them joy. For younger children, we might point out “you seem to feel really good when you’re playing outside with a ball”. For older children, we might ask, “which of your friends do you feel most like yourself and relaxed with?”
Teach our children joyful habits of mind. Gratitude is a powerful place to start. Self-love is essential.
When we notice our children are in a joyless state of mind, perhaps whining for things they want or hanging on to a grudge after a sibling argument, remind them that they will get more of how they feel and help them to choose a more joyful state of mind.
When things are deteriorating for the whole family, stop for a joy break. Having fun with people we love is a joyful experience and can act as the reset button for everyone. Our family loves playing indoor soccer together.
Find a way to do the boring/difficult things joyfully. When my boys were younger, I used to sing a tidying song as we put away the toys. I find interesting ways for my son to practise the spelling words he’s learning for school. This shows them that joy is always there, waiting for us to notice it and to take it.
Be the example of joyful living. Our example is our greatest teacher. Be joyful for your children’s sake…and your own.
IN SUMMARY – NUTRITION FOR OUR SOULS
Joy can feel like a guilty pleasure at first, especially for those of us who have been taught that using our own effort is the only way to build a satisfying life. But, if joy is our compass, pointing in the direction of our purpose and giving our lives richness & ease, it is, surely, nutrition for our souls. Actually, there’s also a book called The Joy Diet by Martha Beck (and also on my “books to read” list). I’m putting my family on the diet now.
Much love to you and your little souls,
PS – Where is your compass pointing? Comment below.
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When I realised that it is not for me to pass my spiritual beliefs and practices onto my children, I was disappointed. My understandings and ways of doing things work for me, helping me to be loving, strong and joyful, and I want my boys to feel loving, strong and happy. But I would not be doing my job if I presented my way as the only way.
One of our central roles as parents is to nurture our children’s natural spirituality so that they may experience guidance and support in their lives. To do this, we need to help our children to find what works for them, not to copy what works for us. This is, indeed, a divine assignment! If we try to “convert” our children to our own style of spirituality, they may follow us because they feel they should but possibly without ever truly connecting with Love/God/The Universe.
The nature of spirituality is that it is felt with our spirits, not intellectualised with our minds. We, therefore, cannot just present our children with a set of ideas to believe or practices to do. We need to provide our children with a range of view-points and ways to practise – opportunities for their spirits to find what helps them to connect.
MY TRUTH VS THE TRUTH
Here’s a distinction that I made recently in a moment of quiet while brushing my teeth one hectic morning. My truth is what works for me. My truth points me in the direction ofthe truth, though it could turn out to be less accurate than the truth.
If something resonates with our soul, it’s going to work for us. That resonation is Spirit leading us along our path. Each person is wired differently so our ways of understanding and connecting with Life will differ. Even beliefs that turn out to be “false” may serve our spiritual path. Being “right” is less important than connecting. The intention to love and be loved is enough.
When all’s said and done, all roads lead to the same end. So it’s not so much which road you take, as how you take it. – Charles de Lint
SO WHAT CAN I PASS ON, THEN?
What we can pass onto our children is a commitment to their own true path and an openness to others’. We can steer them inwards to help them recognise their truth. I have started guiding my son to use what “feels good/right” as his compass of sorts in life. It can be applied to so many things, including the way he treats others, the way he spends his time and the way he experiences his spirituality. I am directing him to look inward, rather than to me.
Our own point-of-view isn’t irrelevant, though. We can share it without insisting on it. We can invite our children to join in with us so that they may try our beliefs and practices on for size. My boys are only 3 and 6 years old so they take what I say as truth right now. But I know that won’t last forever! – and I look forward to exploring other ideas and being spiritual adventurers together. I’m willing to explore with them things that don’t personally work for me too. It is important for my boys to see that my heart is open, always ready to grow some more and always respectful of other people’s perspective.
IN SUMMARY – SHINE THE LIGHT ON THEIR PATH
Spirituality is a personal experience. It is guided by internal resonance, by Love. We need to respect our children’s unique life journey and support them by shining the light on their path, not our own. I am excited about my boys finding a spirituality that works for them and brings them love, strength and joy as mine does for me.
Much love to you and your little souls,
PS – How do you feel about not “passing on” your spirituality to your children? Comment below.
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Recently, my youngest, Thomas, had a tickly cough that had worsened over the week. By nap-time on Friday, he was barely able to sleep because the cough would disturb him every few minutes. The prospect of a whole night ahead spent listening to him cough was one I dreaded – for his sake and mine – so, we made a trip to the pharmacy. I knew they would be unable to give us “the good stuff” because Thomas is only two-years-old and those cough medicines can only be taken by older children. But I came away with every product and tip the assistant suggested, determined that Thomas and I both would get a decent night’s sleep.
The night started off well. Having readily swallowed a liquid fruit salad of remedies (one was even peach-flavoured) and with the head of his bed propped up by my husband’s cricket books, Thomas drifted off to sleep quickly. It wasn’t until 3am that the coughing began. I waited a while to see if it would pass on its own but it was insistent on keeping Thomas awake. So, I forced myself into alertness and went in to see him. I offered a drink and some herbal cough liquid and snuggled into bed with him for a few minutes. His cough seemed to calm down and Thomas was still so I kissed his cheek and went back to my own bed. Easier than I thought.
I don’t think I’ve ever stayed in bed with my boys for more than 10 minutes during the night. They are give-an-inch-take-a-mile characters, likely to insist on middle-of-the night cuddles the following night and the night after that if I give in once. I’ve always been happy to climb in for a bit to give comfort and help them settle down but I never settle in.
However, within five minutes of my leaving Thomas’ room, his cough was in full swing again. I had no more tricks up my sleeve. Then I realised that what had really calmed the cough initially was not the expensive concoctions I had bought from the pharmacy but my snuggling into bed with Thomas. So, I tip-toed down the hall and climbed back in with him. He put his arm around my neck and, within a few minutes, his breathing was even and I knew he was asleep. I drifted off too and, when I woke, I had been there over an hour. I slipped out of Thomas’ bed, tip-toed back down the hall and we both slept well for the rest of the night.
OK, not the most exciting story but I wanted to write about it because it’s such a clear example of the mind-body-spirit connection. I’ve been aware of the connection for many years but have never witnessed it in such a simple, immediate way. I lay in bed with Thomas, fully present and not resistant (I’d usually be thinking, “I just want to get back to my own bed” and “I’m making a rod for my back, he’ll expect me to do this tomorrow night”). The cuddle almost instantly soothed his cough. It reinforced for me the health benefits of spiritual connection (which I also touched on in Spirituality & Depression – What’s the Relationship?) If a loving cuddle can soothe a cough, imagine the impact of all the other things we are doing for our children’s spirituality on their well-being.
Much love to you and your little souls,
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