When I was expecting baby Jake, I imagined giving him an idyllic, carefree childhood. My visions were of bare feet and giggles, exploration and play. Once Jake was born, he and I began attending coffee groups for new mums and, as he got older, we also went along to baby activities, such as story sessions at the library and playgroup.
At these places, I often found myself surrounded by anxious parents, whose daily outing with their babies were not primarily for a bit of fun and to get out of the house but to fast-track their babies’ development. I met parents at playgroup who were there to “socialise” their babies and I watched parents at the library earnestly trying to get their 4-month-olds to focus on the letters and words in books as if it would give them a head-start as readers. At these young ages, our babies didn’t need any extra socialising or literacy instruction beyond what daily life with Mum and Dad provided – their young brains couldn’t even process some of the things we parents were keen for them to learn.
I realised that, already, many parents were caught in the hamster wheel of always trying to prepare their babies for the next stage of life. By “socialising” their babies at playgroup, they assumed their toddlers would be more prepared for early childhood education. When the time came, they looked for early childhood centres that would formally teach reading, writing and maths so that their children would be “ready for school”. And so it continues – each stage being merely a stepping stone to the next.
In this way, for many people, childhood has been reduced to preparation for adulthood. Parents fear that, if they don’t “start early”, their children will “fall behind” in some way, destined for unsuccessful, unhappy futures. My opinion is that, if we continue to sacrifice their childhoods for the sake of their adulthoods, both their years as children and as adults will be unsuccessful and unhappy.
THE PROBLEM WITH REDUCING CHILDHOOD TO PREPARATION FOR ADULTHOOD
When we are too focussed on preparing our children for adulthood, we are not respecting who they are. From a spiritual perspective, the real purpose of parenting is to honour and support our children in being the people they came here to be. In trying to prepare them for adulthood too early, we inflict on them our own ideas about what kind of adult they should become whereas, if we’re present with who they are as children, we enable them to be themselves.
Further, without some perspective, we begin to hold our children up against the adult we hope they’ll become and, being children, they will almost always fall short. We develop a deficit-approach to parenting in which we try to improve our children rather than value them as they are. Our impossible measures become messages to them that they are not good enough. I know I’m guilty of this myself. Sometimes, I expect my boys to be able to manage their emotions in respectful, controlled ways like an adult would but, developmentally, they can’t always do this. My disapproval of their outbursts gives the message that they are not acceptable when their emotions get the better of them. They’re only 3 and 6 years old!
WHY WE NEED TO VALUE CHILDHOOD MORE
Here’s my case for why we are better to value and be present with our children as they are now rather than pushing them into their future.
Children contribute in so many ways. When we take our children out and about with us, other people delight in them. Many stop to fuss over our babies, engage our children in conversation or smile at their antics. Just by being their childish selves, they are like little beacons of light scattered about the community. More personally, most parents feel that their children have contributed to their own lives in numerous ways – the tender moments between us, the memories we make together and the ways they make us laugh or help us to see things differently. Then there are the little souls who never became adults for some reason but still touched our hearts. The one I miscarried changed me forever and, on a more public scale, think of Matty Steponik.
Children have things they need to know now. When I was a teacher, we had meetings in which we speculated about what kind of future we were preparing our students for. Those discussions had a place but mostly I was thinking, “we don’t know what the future will be like but we know what the kids need now”. Part of the discussion was always around technology – its growing prevalence in our lives and how it will have changed exponentially between the time a child starts school and when they leave. There was almost an obsession to use technology in the classroom as much as possible for these reasons but sometimes I felt that a lot of rich, relevant learning was lost in order to be seen as progressive & relevant by using technology. My 7-year-old students needed to be able to read the books they loved, to count their pocket money and to negotiate with their friends more than they needed to know how to use the latest multi-media program.
Joy is found in the present. The childhoods we dreamed of for our unborn babies were joyful ones. Only available in the present, joy is lost for both ourselves and our children when we are mentally tied up in worries about the future and how our children aren’t yet meeting the expectations we have of them as adults. As I said in my blog post about joy, I think joy is essential to a fully-lived life. Do we want to teach our children to constantly be striving for the next thing or to find joy in every stage?
“We tend to think of childhood as preparation for adulthood and almost forget that childhood has its own value”. – Julie Louisson
BY TAKING CARE OF THE PRESENT, WE TAKE CARE OF THE FUTURE
All things in nature follow a natural progression. In its own time, a seed becomes a beautiful, strong tree. As a seed, it needed different things to what it needs as a tree. Some seeds can’t grow in the presence of light but, once they are trees, they need the light for photosynthesis. There is no doubt that we are sowing the seeds of our children’s futures through our parenting but we can trust the process, knowing that, by tending to our children’s current needs, their futures will take care of themselves.
IN SUMMARY – A NEW QUESTION TO ASK
Let’s stop asking children “what are you going to be when you grow up?” and instead ask, “who are you?” Our children arrive fully-formed, ready to enjoy an contribute to life now. Let’s love who they are and get excited, rather than fearful, about who they will become.
Much love to you and your little souls,
PS – In what ways do you catch yourself nudging your child towards the next stage instead of honouring the one they are in? Comment below.
If you found this post thought-provoking, subscribe to get new blog posts straight to your inbox.
Before having children, I was a primary school teacher. For me, it was an enormous privilege to have such a significant role in the lives of the children in my class and I took the responsibility seriously. I wanted my pupils to enjoy their year with me and to see them thrive. It broke my heart if any one of them was struggling in some way – academically, socially, emotionally… And if a parent had any concerns about their child, I wanted them to raise it with me so we could deal with it quickly, together.
Now I am a parent, my heart breaks over my own children’s struggles (broken hearts everywhere!) At one point, my son was being bullied by another child at kindergarten. Sometimes he would cry in the car on the way home from kindy and he lost some of his natural spark for a while. But my husband and I raised it with the teachers and kept in regular contact with them over the situation and gradually things settled. But, until they did, I was torn. As a parent, I just wanted the other child kept away from my son. As a teacher, I knew the other child was entitled to be there too and had social skills to learn that he couldn’t if the two boys were simply separated.
As a spiritually-led parent, my commitment to Love applies to everything. I want my boys to see me treating everyone with respect, including their teachers, other children (even those they may be having trouble with) and themselves. Bearing that in mind and with the benefit of having been in both positions (teacher and parent), here are some principles I use to help me approach a teacher with a concern –
Build a relationship with your child’s teacher. When I was teaching, I worked hard to build open relationship with parents. I nurtured those relationships in various ways but it was easier when parents made an effort too (I had about 28 sets of parents to connect with, they each only had one teacher). Some parents just came into the classroom occasionally before school for a brief chat with me about nothing in particular and that helped. We built a respectful, trusting relationship which made it easier for either of us to raise issues about their child.
Remember that most teachers are hard-working but none are super-human. As a teacher, I worked hard to meet as many of my pupils’ needs as I could. I had my finger on the pulse but I couldn’t see everything that was going on in the playground or read my pupil’s minds. And there just weren’t enough hours in the day to attend to every need I saw so I was constantly prioritising (and feeling guilty). So, before approaching our child’s teacher, let’s make sure we have perspective. It’s easy to be judgmental about what a teacher “should” be doing but, as parents, we have to be realistic and fair too.
Avoid gossiping with other parents. It’s one thing to run our concerns by another trusted parent to get a sense of whether we have things in perspective or not but it’s another to gossip and analyse the teacher together behind their back. And to do this in front of our children can undermine their relationship with their teacher.
Make an appointment when bringing up a new issue. Although teachers are usually around for parents to talk to before and after school, it is better to make an appointment to see the teacher for anything that is more than a little niggle. An appointment will allow you more time and privacy to discuss what’s on your mind. Giving the teacher an idea of what you want to discuss in advance allows them to prepare themselves for a thorough discussion. For example, they may have assessment information or notes they’ve kept about social issues to review and bring to the meeting. Giving the teacher time to prepare will result in better outcomes for your child.
Ask the teacher for help, rather than make a complaint. When something’s not going well for our child, our emotions can be high but it’s important to go into the meeting with an attitude of “let’s work on this together” rather than “this isn’t good enough – what’s going on?!” etc A teacher who feels attacked may, understandably, become defensive which won’t help to resolve the situation. What we really want, is for the teacher to understand where we’re coming from then to collaborate on improving the situation.
Have patience and keep in touch with the teacher. When I was teaching, I didn’t always have a solution to offer on the spot of the first meeting. Sometimes I wanted to mull it over for a while and get back to the parents. Sometimes, I had to try out different things to find what would work to solve the issue. But I always wanted to resolve the situation. The parents and I would regularly check in with each other to review how things were going.
Try twice before going higher. If you feel that the issue you have raised with the teacher is either being ignored or the teacher can’t manage it on their own, you may need to consider getting a more senior staff member involved. I think it’s fair to discuss the issue twice with the teacher before asking to bring in someone higher. If we feel the need to involve more senior staff members, it should be with the teacher’s knowledge. Best practice is for the teacher and the senior staff member to both attend that meeting.
IN SUMMARY: IT’S ALL IN THE RELATIONSHIP
Parents are the experts on their child. Teachers are the experts on the dynamics of their class and the skills & knowledge of teaching. When we have a concern for our child, we want to bring together all our expertise to solve the situation quickly.
The quality of our relationship with the teacher will impact how well things go when we raise an issue. If we go storming into the school or centre like dissatisfied customers, throwing our weight around, we are not being advocates for our children but for our own egos. At the other end of the spectrum, I know that some parents avoid talking to teachers due to negative experiences they had as a child at school. As I often say, we are all spiritual equals, regardless of the position we have within any social structure or institution, and, bearing that in mind, we parents are entitled to raise issues and bound to do so respectfully. I hope, firstly, that you never have to use these guidelines but, if you do, that they provide a starting point to help you begin.
Much love to you and your little souls,
PS:What kinds of concerns have you raised with your child’s teacher? Share in the comments below.
If you found this post helpful, subscribe to get new blog posts sent straight to your inbox.
If you’re not in New Zealand, children here begin school when they turn 5. The Summer school holidays are ending and it’s back-to-school this week. Children under 5 can go to an early childhood education (ECE) centre. Kindergarten is one type of ECE centre.
Jake (5 years) goes back to school this week and Thomas (almost 3 years) has just had his first days at Kindergarten (kindy). For some children, these transitions are smooth-sailing. For others, they are very stressful. Jake amazed me with his effortless start to school last year. Thomas has been sticking close to me while we’ve been at kindy and has been upset while I’ve been gone. Having been a teacher myself, I have the benefit of understanding these transition stages from both sides so wanted to make a list of my best tips to help parents. Most of them are common sense, really, but it’s helpful to be reminded of them.
Be sure of your decision. As a parent, check that you are feeling good about your choice of school or ECE centre. When choosing a school or centre, remember that none will be perfect but, if it generally feels right, trust that feeling. When deciding on the right time for your under-5 to begin ECE, remember that there also may be no ideal time – you’re weighing up so many factors which may not coincide perfectly. So, again, trust your feeling about the timing. This is my first tip because settling in can be a difficult process for some families and it is much easier for you to be strong for your child when you are confident in your decisions.
Build familiarity before school/kindy starts. Most schools and ECE centres offer the opportunity for you to visit with your child before they officially begin. During his kindy visits, Thomas had a chance to connect with the teachers and discover some of the activities that he would be able to do when started kindy. While Jake is returning to the same school, over the last few weeks of holiday, I have organised a few playdates for him to reconnect with school friends. There are also little ways to add familiarity to your child’s day once school/kindy starts. For example, pack lunches with food your child has had before and likes.
Address the practicalities. Depending on your child’s age, this means different things. It includes giving them clothing and equipment they can manage independently. For example, a school-aged child needs to be able to take their shoes, coats and hats on and off themselves. Make sure your child knows what happens for toileting. At school, do they know where their classroom’s closest toilet is and what they have to do to let the teacher know they need to go (teachers have a variety of systems around this)? At kindy, I showed Thomas where the change table was and explained that a teacher would change his nappy when he was at kindy. By addressing these kinds of practicalities, we can eliminate them as stressors, which is particularly helpful for a child who is anxious about their new beginning.
Acknowledge and allow any anxious feelings your child has. If they are old-enough, give them an opportunity to tell you how they are feeling about starting or returning to school/kindy. One question to ask is, “Is there anything you’re worried about?” This question is better not asked just before going to bed, incase they lie awake worrying. Choose a time when they are relaxed and calm. Without dishing out a list of instructions, it may be appropriate to discuss simple strategies for dealing with some of their concerns. But, most importantly, show your understanding. Life is full of new beginnings which can create anxiety in all of us. Your child’s anxious feelings are normal and they need assurance of this. Also, allow your child their tears when it comes time to leave them at school or kindy. Telling them off for crying or offering rewards for not crying when you leave adds the pressure of holding themselves together in an already stressful situation. As a parent, their tears and hysterics can feel embarrassing and over-the-top but we need to tuck our egos away and be their support.
Talk positively about school or kindy. If your child sees that you feel positively about school or kindy, they will feel assured that it’s a good place to go. Talk with them about what they are looking forward to. It may be learning to read, playing on the playground or seeing a friend. Talk about teachers and children you met while on your visit – their friendliness, kindness, sense of humour.
Pray with and for your children. If you’re a praying family, this is a great tool for both parents and children. As Thomas has been settling into Kindy, I have prayed each morning that he feels safe and enjoys himself. I ask that the teachers are tuned in to his needs. On Jake’s first day back to school, we will say a prayer together. We have a 12-minute drive to school and often pray together on the way. I have a motto which I apply to many things, including prayer – “begin with thank you”. In this case, Jake may be grateful to see his friends or to play on the playground at lunchtimes. We will pray for support over anything that’s worrying him about returning to school and just for a great school year generally. Praying with our children, shows that we have faith that The Universe is with them, supporting them. I hope my boys will develop a sense of God being everywhere they go, including the classrooms and playgrounds of school.
Remind your children of techniques they can use to manage their feelings while at school. This tip may be more for older children. Which techniques they use don’t matter and will depend on what you have taught them. For example, you can suggest that, when they are feeling anxious or lonely, they could take a few mindful breaths to calm down or say a prayer to remember that God is with them. These little things can help prevent them from descending into overwhelm or panic.
Create predictability around drop-off and pick-up times. As I write this, Thomas is into his third day at kindy. I have ducked out to give him an hour without me as part of the transition process. Before kindy this morning, I told him exactly when I would be leaving and when I’d be returning. I left exactly when I said I would and will be back at kindy in exactly 29 minutes. This builds his trust in me so that he knows I will always return when I say I will, making him happier to be left at kindy. Another way to create predictability for your child is to develop a drop-off routine over the first days/weeks. It may be that you stay with them while they put their things away, read a story together in the classroom/centre, hug and kiss, then go. If your child has trouble at drop-off time, enlist their teacher’s help. When I was teaching, I gave anxious children a job to do once they had said their goodbyes to keep them busy and give them a sense of belonging.
No long goodbyes. If you say you’re going to go after reading one story – go! It is heart-wrenching when we see our child worried and upset but it is more confusing for them and prolongs their anxiety if we don’t leave after saying “goodbye”. They may also learn that, if they’re dramatic enough, you’ll stay longer – using your empathy against you! Remember, your child is in good hands – teachers are used to managing separation and want your child to be settled and happy at school just like you do. If you’re anticipating “a scene” when it comes time to go, let the teacher know so they can be on-hand to comfort your child while you leave and settle them in.
Make and take time to settle your child in. I can see that Thomas needs a gradual easing into kindy. He hasn’t been left with people other than close family before and is finding the separation from me difficult. Currently, I’m leaving only for an hour each time and staying with him for the rest of the session because he has been upset without me. I have cleared my calendar so I can do this. Once Thomas is more settled during his hour without me, I will gradually lengthen the time I stay away until he can be dropped-off at the start of session and picked-up at the end like usual. While he needs to learn how to be at kindy without me, I also want to avoid him associating kindy with feeling distraught because I’m not there. He’s very happy when I am there, playing and building positive associations with kindy. We’re aiming for more happy, settled moments than, upset, anxious ones. For most school-aged children, this slower settling-in process won’t be necessary because they’ll be older and likely to have attended an ECE centre where they’ve adjusted to staying without their parents.
I hope there’s something useful here for you and that your children’s transition into school or kindy is a happy one.
Much love to you and your little souls,
If you found this post helpful, subscribe to get new blog posts sent straight to your inbox.