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Co-Operation Instead of Control

I came across Christina Fletcher of Spiritually Aware Parenting online, through our shared passion for seeing children thrive mind, body and spirit.  Her website is full of great resources for parents wanting to honour and nurture their children’s spirituality.  When Christina invited me to contribute a guest blog post, I was thrilled to be part of her great work.

Here’s the link to my guest post, Co-operation Instead of Control.  There are times when we just need our children to do what we want them to.  This post looks at how to get them to do those things in a way that is respectful and encourages them to think beyond themselves…and maybe even want to help.

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Good Parents Have a Life Too! (Child-Led is Not Child-Centred)

Looking over what I have written so far in Nurturing Little Souls, I have said often that I believe spiritual parenting requires us to be led by our children.  Our role is to empower them to be themselves and, to do this, we need to tune into them and follow the direction that they are going.  I have also said a number of times that we are spiritual equals with our children to remind us not to be over-bearing or heavy-handed in our parenting.  But, being equals with our children also means that we parents must be respected and have our needs and wants valued too.  Our whole lives do not have to be child-centred to be good parents.

 

TWO EXTREMES OF PARENTING

There are as many parenting styles out there as there are parents.  When it comes to the position our children have in our lives, everyone lies somewhere on the continuum between these two extremes.

Children as Accessories – Many expectant parents express an intention for their children to fit into their lives, believing their children will be flexible if, from the start, they are taken along to their parents’ social events and activities.  Some baby capsules become accessories to the parents’ lives, while the occupants’ needs, especially for quality sleep, aren’t prioritised.  We can’t fully understand until we’ve had children that, if we don’t want our lives to change, it’s not a good idea to have them.

Children as the Centre of Everything  The other extreme is parents who sacrifice everything – losing social connections, time for their interests and rest to become slaves to their child’s every whim.  I don’t think this is necessary.  In fact, I think it’s a bad idea.

“You can’t pour from an empty cup”.

If we allow our lives to be entirely child-centred, we quickly become depleted, with nothing to give.  Tending to our children’s needs & wants and rarely our own will see us become emotionally and physically exhausted.  When this kind of imbalance continues for too long, we can’t help but grow resentful because our lives have been reduced to the drudgery of “serving” our children.  When we are with them, we’re really far away, dreaming of that movie we’d love to see…or just sleep.  Our hearts aren’t in it and our children can sense that.

For example, I am hopeless at dramatic play when I haven’t had enough time for myself.  I have no energy, enthusiasm or creativity.  Thomas loves playing firefighters and he saves our playroom from multiple fires a day.  He often wants me to join in so we start by making a firetruck together with cushions.  On an empty cup day, I’m grateful to be able to just sit in the truck while we journey to the emergency, joining in (half-heartedly) with the “nee-nah, nee-nah”.  When we get to the fire, Firefighter Mummy sends Firefighter Thomas to put out the fires while I “look after the fire truck”.   It’s a poor effort.  Thomas must think I’m no fun and, on some level, probably realises that I don’t really want to be playing firefighters at these times.  On other days, when I’ve felt adequately rested and full from doing something for myself, playing firefighters with Thomas has been fun and I’ve cherished my time with him.

 

THE MIDDLE GROUND 

As my boys have gotten older and their physical needs less urgent, I have gradually reclaimed more of my own needs and wants.  I’m writing this blog for starters!  I nip out to see friends for coffee some evenings once the boys are tucked in.  If I’m out shopping with my boys, we take turns choosing which shops to look at and try to wait patiently while each other has their turn (Thank you Max fashions for having a toy box!)  I have also protected my coffee-drinking time in order to drink a whole cup, sitting down, before it goes cold.  My husband and I have introduced a new rule that our boys can’t ask us to play if we still have coffee in our cups.  They can chat with us, have a drink too if they wish, but we get to stay seated and enjoy our coffee.  (If you have a baby and none of these things are possible for you yet, trust that the day will come when they will be and, in the meantime, take as many tiny moments for yourself as you can.)

I want my boys to feel equal, valued and loved unconditionally for the unique beings that they are but I don’t want them to expect everything in life to be organised around them, as if they are at the centre.  From a broader perspective, I want them to see themselves as part of the whole of humanity.  Almost all of the world’s spiritual traditions emphasise the oneness we share with others.

The dynamic we create in our homes sets an example to our children of what to expect out in the wider world.  In our family, mutual respect and consideration of everyone’s needs and wants is important and I hope my boys will take this perspective with them wherever they go.   At times, one of them will complain because I have made a decision that doesn’t go his way.  I’ll say to him, “What you want is important but what everyone else wants is important too”.   I enlist my boys’ help in many ways so that they feel part of the family team and realise they can contribute.  For example, they help to carry bags in from the car and they do their bit in the mornings to get us out the door in time.  Practicing co-operation and collaboration in small ways makes it a given when bigger things come up, within our family or in the wider world.

 

IN SUMMARY: CHILD-LED IS NOT CHILD-CENTRED

Life with children will always be a little lop-sided in their favour but we can still practise the give and take of community within our homes.  We don’t want our children believing they are the centre of everything but we do want them to see their unique value – each piece of a jigsaw puzzle is important to the bigger picture.  And, when we parents have our needs and wants met (at least to some extent), we have the resources to deal with the challenges – big and small – that parenthood throws at us and to enjoy the beautiful moments.

 

Much love to you and your little souls,

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